I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect, computor and spreadsheet programs.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
Let’s meet so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs.
Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorlologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I supposed I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:00 AM every morning. Could not work under those conditions
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

From Robert Half

I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.
I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I have been poor. I prefer being rich.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award
Education: College, August 1880-1984
Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
I’m a rabid typist.

Human Resource executives were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

A job applicant challenged the in an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore an Ipod; explaining she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Consider these quotes from supervisors in describing their employees.

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse that an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“He would argue with a sign post.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

Questions that have been asked by job candidates

“What is it that you people do at this company?”
“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
“What are the zodiacs signs of all the board members?”
“Why do you want references?”
“Does your health insurance cover pets?”
“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

Here are unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.

“At times, I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.”
“I feel uneasy indoors.”
“I am fascinated by fire.”
“I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.”
“If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.”
“My legs are really hairy.”